Making a Move … Or Not

Making a move, either in efforts to find a man or to follow the one you already have, can be complicated. However, following your intuitions and exploring your passions will put you on the right path.

Q: So I'm almost 37 and very single. I have plenty to occupy my time: child, work, pets, friends, family. I want a husband. I know there are guys out there but I sure don't know how to find them. Internet dating has been a disaster. I'm too busy to have a thousand coffee dates with frogs to find a prince. I want a best friend to grow old with. Sex and affection would be nice too. I have a teen son and don't want more kids and the few single guys out there are late bloomers ready to breed.

This year I’ve dated one not-quite-divorced guy who seemed super sweet but stopped calling after the 6th date. I had a relapse with a younger guy who I have dated on and off for 5 years but he’s not a grown-up yet and he feels the need to breed. I seem to find younger guys because they’re the single ones but they aren’t mature enough to give me what I want and I’m not a baby maker. Help? – No Bun in My Oven Please

Bouquet
What to do when you’re ready for the ring, but the husband is nowhere to be found. (Photo credit: Flickr: ytfelmi)

A: As I’ve said before, there’s no magic bullet for finding someone – or a guarantee that you will, like anything else in life. Still, your approach and attitude could use a tweak. I hope you don’t start out dates like you started out this letter: “I’m 37, have a busy, fulfilling life and I want a husband.” There’s something icky in all your “breed”ing and “baby maker” references. It’s as if you assume your dates all look at you over the dinner table and see a colossal uterus smiling back. I’m not saying to ignore the kid issue, but shifting the focus from procreation is one way to lighten the pressure for everyone just a bit.

Dating isn’t always a picnic, and yes, finding anybody worthwhile means dealing with your share of frogs (and pigs, snakes and dogs). But it’s much less painful when you view a first date not as the initial steps down the altar but as a chance to meet someone new, find some common ground and have a few drinks.

While you’re at it, find a social way to enjoy your hobbies and passions. You’ll have a head start at meeting someone with similar interests, and at the very least you’ll be making yourself happy.

Q: My fiancé has had a rocky couple of years career-wise, but he's doing really well consulting for his brother's agency in a nearby city. His brother gave him a formal offer, and he has another offer in our city. They're comparable salary-wise but his brother's includes some crazy good perks. My fiancé also feels more confident about his brother's company.

But I am worried about a lack of boundaries with his brother and his wife. I love them and enjoy their company but they both are very controlling. We already see them several times a month! I want what’s best for us as a couple, and to support his career (I work from home). But I’m afraid of the resentment that may build if we don’t have our own lives. My family and closest friends are all here and I never pictured us raising our children elsewhere. HELP!! – To Move or Not To Move?

Moving Day.
Moving is never fun, especially when your new neighbors will be your busybody relatives. (Photo credit: Flickr/Nikki Lefay)

A: I know a woman whose husband worked for his brother’s company for several years, and it ended horribly. His brother screwed him over royally and they’re now estranged. Of course, there are plenty of feel-good, working-for-the-fam stories out there, too, but this one sprung to mind first when I read your letter.

You’ve clearly thought this out, but I have a few more factors to consider. It will be much harder to extract yourselves from the family biz a few years down the road, when your fiancé is much more valuable to the company. Leaving could get tricky, both on the business and personal fronts. If he does accept his brother’s offer, you’ll have to set some house rules (bro and S-I-L need to call ahead before stopping by, you establish “date nights” for you two only, avoid work talk out of the office, etc.). And I strongly recommend consulting an attorney with family business experience.

I also want to point out that while you claim to want the best for you as a couple, you end our letter admitting you really don’t want to move. Sounds like you and the fi need to have some more heart-to-hearts on this. And, hey, he’s apparently talented enough to have multiple job offers, which in this economy is a blessing in itself. Good luck, and keep me posted.

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