Keeping Your Panties On and Your Priorities Straight

Critical steps to creating — and maintaining — a fulfilling relationship are keeping your panties on and priorities straight.

Q: Where to begin? I'm attractive, witty, have a very good sense of humor, easygoing and I love sports. Time and again I meet a male person. We'll both make each other laugh, text daily numerous times, but after the prize, if you will, is awarded, BAM!, I'm no longer "one cool chick."

My last encounter takes the cake. He could be described as someone that I was definitely better than, but there was something about him. I didn't necessarily want a relationship but thought we could enjoy each other. Well, I rate the sex as poor, probably one of the worst, but I gave him a second chance. Instead, the texts dwindled down to none. Guess we were never friends to begin with. His loss.

What is wrong with me? I'm tired of being told what a good catch I am, of hearing "man, can't believe you're single." What is wrong with them? Whatever am I doing wrong? I'd like to end with a quote by the great Gordon Keith, "All the world's problems are in some way directly related to the privates." – Privately Fuming

Sometimes you need to put a lock on your libido to keep men interested. (

A: Here’s what I think you’re doing wrong: IT, too early.

I recently moderated a hilarious panel discussion that featured four dudes — one married, three single, all pretty experienced – and their insights on love and sex. One of the questions was, “What do you think of women who sleep with you on the first date?” Three of the panelists bumbled responses like “I have no problem with it” and “we’re all adults” and what-have-you. But the fourth answer came from an outspoken DJ, who told the female-heavy audience, “These guys are all lying. If you want to be girlfriend material, don’t sleep with someone right away.”

This is not to say you’re locking loins with within hours of meeting a guy. And I know you weren’t looking for much more than to “enjoy each other” with the latest one. But, as I’ve said before, there’s a big difference between a woman who likes to have sex and one who has sex to be liked. And the latter has the tendency to send guys swaggering out the door as soon as the condom wrapper gets tossed into the trash. If I can rephrase Mr. Keith’s quote: Taking your privates out of the equation might help solve your problem.

Besides your tendency to give up “the prize” too soon, there’s nothing wrong with you – other than the fact that you’re walking around convinced there’s something wrong with you, and with guys in general – neither of which is exactly magnetic. Believe me, I get how frustrating and confusing this is, and I know the last thing you want to hear is any of that rah-rah “just be positive!” crap. But your attitude really does affect everything else. Keep your chin up, keep putting out those “one cool chick” vibes (and maybe scale back on the putting out) and please keep me posted.

Q: I'm a college senior and I've been dating a guy that's 7 years older. He just signed a 10-year contract with a restaurant he's opening up, meaning he is committed to staying in our college town for that entire period. I'm graduating in May and want to move ASAP. I'm really torn about this. On the one hand, I want to try to make it work with him because we have a great relationship and care about each other a lot. But I'm tired of this town and ready to start my career. I feel like if I leave for myself, I'd be abandoning my boyfriend. But if I stay for him, I'd be shortchanging myself. Can you help? – Love or Career?

A: My first thought. Your boyfriend, the one who cares about you a lot and with whom you have a great relationship with, decided to sign a 10-year contract in a town he knows (I presume he knows?) you’re itching to leave.

My second thought: Employment offers are hard to come by these days. Could you live with (and support) yourself if you turned one down to avoid “abandoning” your boyfriend?

My overall opinion: Don’t stay just for him. You know where he stands – and will continue to stand – for the next 10 years: the very place you’re ready to see from your rearview mirror. Figure out if you’re ok with that future for yourself, and plan accordingly.

And, finally, congrats on your upcoming graduation. This is a deliciously exciting, albeit sometimes scary, time in your life – try, if you can, to relish it.

1 Comment »

  1. Regarding the first letter, I agree with the DJ. I am not interested in having sex with her until we’ve spent significant time together. In my mind, if she’ll have sex with me right away, I could be anybody. I’m of the mind that in some philosophical way, the women I have sex with I’m tied to for life and whomever else she’s been making the beast with two backs with I sure hope it was for a damn good reason. If I want to know her the rest of my life, then, I will, make her see God.

    Regarding the second letter, I think the gal should go on with her life. You can get another boyfriend much easier than a great job opportunity.

    Comment by irck — November 30, 2010 @ 5:12 pm

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