Halloween's Over, But the Dating Horror Stories Live On

From jealous married girlfriends (yeah, we were confused, too) to flirting-without-action men, dating can be just as frightening as werewolves and vampires.

Q: I am dating a married woman who is extremely jealous if I even talk to another female and even some males. I thought I found a friend only on Facebook and met her. She was more interested in an amorous relationship and so I cut off communication. She found my girlfriend, told her we had been dating (I met her once alone and nothing went on) and went to an outdoor event with her and her friend. My girlfriend thinks I had something for her based on what this woman told her. I suggested we confront the other woman in person, but GF just says I stabbed her in the back. I never did tell her about it originally because I knew she would be upset that I talked to or met with another woman. How do I handle this in the best manner? – "Fred"

Crazy girlfriends

No joking here: Crazy girlfriends are seriously scary. (Photo credit: Flickr/Sergio Castro)

A: My first instinct when I read this letter was to gnash my teeth and wish I could reach through the computer and give this guy (at least, I think it’s a guy) a good, hard shake. But after re-reading it about a dozen times, I had another thought: Maybe he doesn’t know any better. (I still wanted to shake him, but then hug him and offer him a hot fudge sundae.)

So, Fred, a few of my thoughts, which I’ve tried hard to tone down from their usual sarcastic snarkiness. First, when a married woman is involved with someone besides her spouse, it’s not called dating; it’s called cheating. Second, your girlfriend is a real piece of work – I mean, a cross-gender lock on jealously? That doesn’t bode well for your happiness. It can’t be fun when talking to the checkout girl, the UPS deliveryman or your boss provokes accusations and attacks from your girlfriend that could make the Salem Witch Trials look like a game of 20 Questions. And I’m not gonna even touch her possible questioning of your sexuality or the hilarious hypocrisy of her, a married woman having an affair, calling you a backstabber.

So, you went hunting for companionship on Facebook (a little suspect, but perhaps understandable considering the crap she dishes out). And you found yourself tangled up with another manipulative minx determined to mess with you.

Now, I could have this all wrong. You could be some miscreant who gets off on seeing married women and concocting bizarre love triangles. But somehow I don’t think so. You seem to want to do the right thing, albeit in the wrong way, for the wrong people. In other words, you owe your girlfriend nothing but a swift kick to the curb, not an offer to confront a scheming stranger with her own mysterious agenda. And you owe yourself the self-discovery, through speaking to a pro or whatever else it takes, to stop being a doormat and instead build meaningful, honest relationships with people who will respect you. That’s the only way I know how to tell you to “handle this in the best manner.”

Q: I am seeing someone who is 12 years younger, adorable, sweet, sexy, smart ... and he wants to take me out. He talks to me daily but does not make moves on me. I am an attractive 40-year-old woman who usually runs from younger men, but I actually enjoy talking to this one. How do I get him to take the physical side seriously without being my usual assertive self and taking what I want? – Befuddled

A: You know that sound Scooby Doo makes when he’s baffled over something? How he cocks his head and emits that iconic “erraaagghhhh” that sums up exactly what his dog-brain and viewers are both thinking: “What in the *&^% is going on here?” It’s been echoing in my brain every time I reread these letters.

I’m as befuddled as you are, Befuddled, but for different reasons. I mean, so you like talking to this guy, and he likes talking to you, and …? So what? Daily chats ≠ a relationship. In other words, to be seeing someone, you have to see them, in the flesh. Talking, texting, typing, Skyping, sexting – if those technological tools aren’t the build-up to an actual, in-person date, you got nothing.

So either be your usual assertive self, ask him out — one time — and see where it goes, or make like a wise gal and fuhgeddaboudit with this action-averse dude. As far as why he’s not doing the asking himself, I can’t say for sure whether he’s shy, gay or, most likely, just not interested. But I can say for sure that if a guy wants to pursue a woman, make a move or, as you put it, “take the physical side seriously” (there’s that Scooby sound again), he’ll do it on his own – no prompting necessary.

1 Comment »

  1. No Blane: You were right the first time. “Fred” is stupid !

    Any man stupid enough to date a married woman craves drama. He might as well shut and stop complaining; he’s getting what he wants: drama.

    Comment by L W Calhoun — November 18, 2010 @ 5:10 pm

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