Open Minds (and Mouths)

What your boyfriend’s really saying by ranking pleasure partners, and why getting to the bottom of a break-up isn’t the point.

Q: My b-fri (boyfriend) told me fat girls, then black girls, then white girls give the best [oral sex]. Is that true? If it is, can I ever expect to be good at it? (I'm a white skinny girl). –- Curious and Eager


Ladies: The idea is to look sexy, not psychotic.

A: What I’m really – ahem – blown away about here isn’t the sexual stereotypes; it’s the fact that you clearly didn’t even register such a blatant, if backhanded, insult from your b-fri (never heard that acronym before, but whatever – thanks for enlightening me.).

But hey, lest I be accused of not answering the question, and since I don’t have the necessary appendage to comment on the accuracy of his rankings, I turned to several trusty male friends for input. Here’s what one had to say: “While perhaps isolated occurrences can make this statement true, I don’t think it warrants a generalization. I’ve experienced all three and didn’t notice any particular pattern. Without over thinking this, the common traits in the best [oral sex] seem to be (not in order): 1) Eagerness to please, 2) Level of comfort ability with self and partner, 3) Enjoyment of the power entitled with [oral sex], and 4) Practice, practice, practice.”

Now, back to me. You certainly have No. 1 covered. No. 2 and 3, not so much – at least, that’s what your douchebag boyfriend wants you to think. Which brings me to No. 4 – why not practice, practice, practice on somebody who will really appreciate it? Unless your technique resembles a redneck chomping on a cob of corn, seems to me that the problem here isn’t you – it’s your guy and his passive-aggressive sense of entitlement.

As another trusty male friend so aptly described it, the act in question is a “gift.” And the fact that he put non-fat white girls – that’s you – at the bottom of his list is not looking a gift horse in the mouth; it’s a clobbering a gift horse upside the head with a sledgehammer. He may as well have said, “Yeah, you’re all right, but I’ve been with girls who could suck a golf ball through a straw. I guess you’ll do for now, though.”

To be fair, it’s not clear how all this was brought up. It could be that you, in all your curiousness and eager-to-please-ness, asked specifically where different types of women fall on the oral spectrum, and he was just answering honestly. But I kinda doubt it. And even if that was the case, he should have delivered his message a lot more gently: “Babe, I’m so lucky that you do it. And next time, I’ll make sure I show you exactly what I like.”

So, here’s what I think you should do (not that you asked): Take your white, skinny self – mouth included – as far from this guy as possible.

Q: I'm in love with the guy I was dating two weeks ago. But he broke up with me 'cause he says he doesn't want to go through the pain of long-distance relationships. I think he's just going through so many things in his life right now. (Example – not knowing what will happen in his job.) The lack of stability is probably affecting his feelings for me. Do you think he might still love me? -- Struggling

A: Maybe. Maybe not. But what I think isn’t the issue here, and whether he still loves you isn’t either. The issue is that he broke up with you. As in, he wasn’t willing to do what was necessary – a long-distance relationship – to be with you. As in, he doesn’t want to be with you.

Look, I don’t mean to sound harsh, and I know how tempting it is to explain away his wanting out. But you have to take him on his word. And remember that no amount of calling, texting, begging or sex on your part is likely to change his mind. I repeat: Do not, under any circumstances, call, text, beg for him to take you back or have sex with him, ok? Let him go through whatever he’s going through on his own. If there is a chance that you two end up together – not that I’m advocating you hang your hopes on that – he needs to have time to get his crap together by himself. And miss you.

I understand that your pain is pretty raw at this point. So I’m going to repeat what I’m sure all your friends have already told you: It will get better. (Want to speed up the process? Then refrain from – you guessed it – calling, texting, begging him to take you back or having sex with him.) And when you’re feeling a little less blue, you’ll look back and know that you got through this with your dignity in tact.

4 Comments »

  1. Really liked this week’s articles Blane. Your advice could not be more dead-on or should i say… head-on? What an insult! As for Struggling, the advice is golden, but I know how hard it is to refrain! Still, you’re right!

    Comment by J — June 23, 2010 @ 2:42 pm

  2. I agree with you and with J since you really hit the spot. I as well am confused on what will be the basis of whoever does it best but i think based on experience it will depend on how the woman wants to make you happy.

    Comment by John — June 30, 2010 @ 10:05 am

  3. So far my experiences are all good and I want to compare them one by one but its hard.:)
    The only thing that I can share is that they do differ whether they want to use often or use different ways on giving you pleasure. To the owner of the site – I like your site…it rocks and it’s current. Keep it up!

    Comment by Rain — June 30, 2010 @ 1:09 pm

  4. All i wanna say is damn that picture is hot.. if only that was a real girl.. omg..

    Comment by Mouth Lover — August 27, 2011 @ 4:49 am

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