Open Minds (and Mouths)

Q: My b-fri (boyfriend) told me fat girls, then black girls, then white girls give the best [oral sex]. Is that true? If it is, can I ever expect to be good at it? (I'm a white skinny girl). –- Curious and Eager


Ladies: The idea is to look sexy, not psychotic.

A: What I’m really – ahem – blown away about here isn’t the sexual stereotypes; it’s the fact that you clearly didn’t even register such a blatant, if backhanded, insult from your b-fri (never heard that acronym before, but whatever – thanks for enlightening me.).

But hey, lest I be accused of not answering the question, and since I don’t have the necessary appendage to comment on the accuracy of his rankings, I turned to several trusty male friends for input. Here’s what one had to say: “While perhaps isolated occurrences can make this statement true, I don’t think it warrants a generalization. I’ve experienced all three and didn’t notice any particular pattern. Without over thinking this, the common traits in the best [oral sex] seem to be (not in order): 1) Eagerness to please, 2) Level of comfort ability with self and partner, 3) Enjoyment of the power entitled with [oral sex], and 4) Practice, practice, practice.”

Now, back to me. You certainly have No. 1 covered. No. 2 and 3, not so much – at least, that’s what your douchebag boyfriend wants you to think. Which brings me to No. 4 – why not practice, practice, practice on somebody who will really appreciate it? Unless your technique resembles a redneck chomping on a cob of corn, seems to me that the problem here isn’t you – it’s your guy and his passive-aggressive sense of entitlement.

As another trusty male friend so aptly described it, the act in question is a “gift.” And the fact that he put non-fat white girls – that’s you – at the bottom of his list is not looking a gift horse in the mouth; it’s a clobbering a gift horse upside the head with a sledgehammer. He may as well have said, “Yeah, you’re all right, but I’ve been with girls who could suck a golf ball through a straw. I guess you’ll do for now, though.”

To be fair, it’s not clear how all this was brought up. It could be that you, in all your curiousness and eager-to-please-ness, asked specifically where different types of women fall on the oral spectrum, and he was just answering honestly. But I kinda doubt it. And even if that was the case, he should have delivered his message a lot more gently: “Babe, I’m so lucky that you do it. And next time, I’ll make sure I show you exactly what I like.”

So, here’s what I think you should do (not that you asked): Take your white, skinny self – mouth included – as far from this guy as possible.

Q: I'm in love with the guy I was dating two weeks ago. But he broke up with me 'cause he says he doesn't want to go through the pain of long-distance relationships. I think he's just going through so many things in his life right now. (Example – not knowing what will happen in his job.) The lack of stability is probably affecting his feelings for me. Do you think he might still love me? -- Struggling

A: Maybe. Maybe not. But what I think isn’t the issue here, and whether he still loves you isn’t either. The issue is that he broke up with you. As in, he wasn’t willing to do what was necessary – a long-distance relationship – to be with you. As in, he doesn’t want to be with you.

Look, I don’t mean to sound harsh, and I know how tempting it is to explain away his wanting out. But you have to take him on his word. And remember that no amount of calling, texting, begging or sex on your part is likely to change his mind. I repeat: Do not, under any circumstances, call, text, beg for him to take you back or have sex with him, ok? Let him go through whatever he’s going through on his own. If there is a chance that you two end up together – not that I’m advocating you hang your hopes on that – he needs to have time to get his crap together by himself. And miss you.

I understand that your pain is pretty raw at this point. So I’m going to repeat what I’m sure all your friends have already told you: It will get better. (Want to speed up the process? Then refrain from – you guessed it – calling, texting, begging him to take you back or having sex with him.) And when you’re feeling a little less blue, you’ll look back and know that you got through this with your dignity in tact.

Moody Boyfriends and Girlfriends with Fake Boobs

Q: My boyfriend is frequently moody. I know he loves me but sometimes his aloofness makes me insecure. What is the best way to approach him about it or deal with it? – Melancholy Over His Moodiness

A: The next time his mood starts to swing like a pendulum, why not just ask if he needs to borrow a tampon?

Sorry for the sarcasm, but it doesn’t sound like very much fun to be with someone who’s frequently moody and aloof. There’s not a lot of detail in your letter to help me come up with a terribly insightful answer beyond that. Sure, you can approach him about the situation, though my Magic 8 Ball tells me the conversation just might go something like this:

You: Honey, I’ve noticed that lately you seem to be upset quite often. Can we talk about it?

Him [giving you a blank stare]: I’m fine.

You: Well … um … ok. Are you sure?

Him [resuming channel surfing/detailing his motorcycle/strumming his guitar/take your pick of any other stereotypical moody-guy activities]: Yes. Anything else?

You [trying to contain yet another a frustrated sigh]: I guess not …

As far as dealing with his attitude, all I can recommend is the strategy that, come to think of it, many men have adopted as routine: Accept that, for 5-7 days every month, your partner will be about as fun to be around as a heroin junkie in detox. Your best bet might well be to just stay the hell out of his way when Mr. Hyde starts to creep out. (And ladies, let’s use this as a gentle reminder to not abuse our monthly visitor pass for too much Mother-Nature-entitled bitchiness, ummkay?)

But, another shake of my Magic 8 Ball suggests that, before long, you’ll get fed up with this whole walking-on-eggshells routine. You didn’t mention the third option here, which is – though I’m guessing you aren’t quite ready to admit it just yet – to cut him loose. Aloofness and moodiness, like extroversion or trustworthiness, are pretty set character traits; i.e., they’re not likely to change. Which means that you either accept and deal with them, or accept that you can’t deal with them, and move on.

Q: One of my best friends, who I’ve known since we were 14, recently got breast implants. I have to admit that she looks amazing, and it is wonderful to see her confidence improve. The problem is that now her new “girls” are constantly on display when we go out, and she acts like someone I don’t even know. Can implants change friendships, too? – Breast Friend

big-boobs-21

A: Of course, but perhaps in ways you haven’t even thought of. Instead of tsk-tsking her for busting out of her low-cut tops, focus on the fact that you could, ahem, milk some benefits of your own from the new “girls” in the group.

With her newfound confidence thanks to her newly enhanced funbags, your friend is surely attracting some new attention from guys. So – especially if you’re single — instead of bemoaning the fact that she’s drawing that attention, why not capitalize on it? The admiring dudes will likely migrate over in packs, as bargoing guys are wont to do. News flash: Not all of them salivate over saline, so don’t write off the wingmen just because their friend is drooling over your friend’s plastic bombs.

If you’re already spoken for, then just grab a drink, sit back and watch the action with the knowledge that your friend’s tit-tastic ‘tude will probably fade as the novelty of her new knockers wears off. If not, and she continues to act like someone you “don’t even know” – I’m guessing you mean a total boob – then start hitting bars with friends whose company feels a little more natural.