When Weird Is (And Isn't) Ok

Eccentricities between the sheets, and why a hesitant recovery from divorce doesn’t deserve the stink eye.

Q: I’m noticing a trend, and I’m hoping it’s more on the universal side, rather than me just dating a bunch of weird girls. First off, I’m pretty clueless with what goes on inside the heads of women. And secondly, mostly, I just don’t care – as long as the steady stream doesn’t go dry. As I and the women I date get older (30s), I’ve noticed bedroom habits that are more unique. The latest one seems to hold her breath for so long that I think she’s going to pass out, and I can just imagine trying to explain that to some EMT. I’m not that perceptive, but I never used to notice girls being so weird in the sack in their 20s. Is this just females coming to grips with what they need to do to achieve climax? And do I have stranger bedroom times ahead, as women get older and more in tune with what makes them tick? -– What’s Up?

 

A: First of all, count your blessings: You’re getting laid regularly, and it’s certainly not dull. Not a bad problem to have.

So, the weirdness between the sheets, you ask. I think several factors are at work. We women – thanks in part to the Samantha Joneses of the world – have become more sexually liberated in recent years. You’re right that with the whole age/empowerment schtick, we’re more aware of our bodies and what works for them. And yeah, sometimes the results could be seen as kinda bizarre. As of late, yours truly finds herself laughing hysterically – something I always thought sounded psychotic — at the critical moment.

You may also remember a recent column about a guy whose recent gal treated him like a chew toy in bed, and your letter isn’t the first I’ve gotten about auto-erotic-asphyxiation, which is basically using oxygen deprival to heighten sensations. (It can be deadly – remember INXS frontman Michael Hutchence? – so I strongly encourage setting some ground rules with the breathless babe.) Although you may not care what’s going on in women’s heads, why not just ask what’s going on with their actions? At the very least, things might seem a little less “weird.”

Finally, Romeo, that stream of women, “weird” in the sack or not, might not be going dry anytime soon, but crucial areas of our anatomy certainly do as we age. So don’t freak out when your luvahs start busting out enough lube for a Slip ‘N Slide.

 

Q: How do you start … over again? As I watch my parents hit 50 years of marriage in 2010, I’m wondering how to get back into dating after divorce. Never thought I’d be in this “category,” but … I filed over a year ago, and I still feel completely weird. My buddies are all about “getting me back in the saddle” so to speak and that isn’t my goal.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love the action but I’m not that jerk who wants to just take it out on women for the sake of it. I loved dating and relationships with my girlfriends — I love having someone to enhance my life and being able to offer that back. So, I must hit the “reset button” on what I thought I would be doing here in 2010. I still know how blessed I am that we didn’t have kids and I didn’t start building on the land I purchased. I’m embarrassed I am divorced -– I’ve never failed on anything I wanted to do in life and this is a catastrophic failure in my mind, especially compared to my family (not one divorce on either side – see “black sheep” — at least feeling like it). So how do I “get out there”? -– Ready for Summer

 

A: Lovely readers, this is another one of those times when the behind-the-scenes edits can tell the story better than anything. This guy accidentally wrote “many moons ago” next to “a year ago” when he was talking about filing for his divorce. So thanks to his non-self-edit, we have a clue into some skewed logic, which I hope to straighten out.

With something as monumental as divorce, a year is by no means “many moons.” You took a vow you thought would be for life, and it didn’t turn out that way. So give yourself a break. Feeling weird after just a year isn’t that long with respect to something you planned on being forever. You’re mourning a loss, and that always takes time.

Furthermore, no doubt that watching your parents celebrate such a glorious milestone has you viewing your situation in an even harsher light. But enough with the “catastrophic failure” and “black sheep” stuff. I’m sure you learned heaps of life lessons from this experience. And I highly doubt anyone in your family is giving you the stink eye. So ease up on yourself. When you’re ready to date again – and you will be, I promise – you’ll know.

And I love the hint of optimism in your sign off. Forget about getting back in the saddle, and instead focus on dusting yourself off via the sunny patios, sundresses and delicious promise of the seasons to come.

 

2 Comments »

  1. Good advice but hard to do – each time you DO meet someone, you must now be “the divorced guy” and that is no fun at all.
    Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) looks at you as if you cheated because so many people do…..and when you didn’t it’s just Guilty till proven innocent!

    Comment by MA — June 10, 2010 @ 8:15 pm

  2. I agree with you that it is perfect advice, but in reality it is hard to do for a normal person. But still I love reading your blog since I can relate to all the topics and if I can read everything from day 1 that you started this site then I will do so. Keep it up!

    Comment by Jay — June 30, 2010 @ 11:56 am

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