Video Killed the Softball Star

What to do when cell phone snooping reveals a friend’s naughtiest exploits, and reevaluating taking the plunge with a guy who socializes like a dictator.

Q: The other night I was out with a few of the boys drinking beer after our softball game. There were four of us and “Tim” went to take a leak when his phone rang. Since he left it on the table, I was just going to answer for the hell of it. Someone, I’m not sure who, recognized it wasn’t Tim and hung up. But since the phone was lit up, someone prompted me to look at the photos to see if we could catch any of nude girlfriends. And since we had been drinking, it seemed like a logical next step.

Suffice to say, we were not ready for the onslaught of nude and pornographic home movies and photos. It appeared Tim had been very busy. For one, I didn’t know he was such a player, and secondly, that he was a movie buff. And why the hell didn’t we know about any of this? We set the phone back down in plenty of time not to get caught, but now we are all more curious than ever. Is there a way to broach the subject with him? We would like a screening of some of his photographic handiwork, but how do we raise the topic without him knowing that we were rooting around on his cell phone? – Curious Pals

A: You didn’t know about any of this because apparently Tim, dumb as he was to leave his phone unattended, is wise enough to know that his buddies are a bunch of nosy, horned-up voyeurs.

But … assuming his co-stars were willing subjects (if not, all you pervs should be ashamed) … and I still can’t believe I’m really writing this … it seems to me you have a couple of options. My first suggestion is to approach Tim one-on-one. Even if he has an ego bigger than Simon Cowell’s, this is subject matter that goes far beyond ass cheeks in the locker room, and he’s probably more likely to share with one person instead of an entire table of beer-swilling teammates. Just tell him, straight up, what happened. Depending on his reaction, you can either 1) let loose with the “attaboys,” mention you and your gal are thinking of making a movie yourselves, ask if he has any tips and cross your fingers he’ll give you a play-by-play demo; 2) apologize profusely and drop it altogether.

The second option is a variation from above, and it would be more difficult to pull off — but copious amounts of alcohol would help. Try bringing up the sex-movie-making as a post-game convo – again, maybe say somebody is going to give it a go with their gal — and see if Tim shares anything. If so, grand slam. If not, you can just wait for the next time he leaves his phone unattended to send yourself the clips and pics.

Finally, softball doesn’t sound like the right sport for Tim. Has he tried his hand at golf?

Q: “Curtis” and I have been dating for over a year and have decided to get married, probably next fall. This is a first marriage for both of us and he is everything I want — a very successful lawyer, good looking and will make a wonderful father. I watched a movie last night called War of the Roses where the husband is always dominating the conversation and suddenly I realized this was us! When we are with friends, he always does all the talking, even when I initiate the conversation. And if I tell a joke, he interrupts and ends up telling it himself. When I asked him why he always talks so much around friends, he says because what he has to say is important. The funny thing is, when it is just the two of us he is entirely different, sometimes hardly saying a word at dinner. I don’t want to bring the subject up again but it is very annoying. – What Now?

A: What now? Some questions you should ask yourself: Do the majority of Curtis’s conversations follow this all-or-nothing scheme? Does his holier-than-thou attitude carry over into other aspects of his personality? Do think there’s a possibility you “don’t want to bring up this subject again” because you’re afraid of his reaction? If the answer to any of those is yes, then I wouldn’t so much be annoyed as terrified at the thought of marrying this man.

Since it sounds like you haven’t set a date yet, I encourage you to forget about wedding plans for now and see if you can honestly picture a happy life with someone who, from here, appears to be an arrogant boor who doesn’t see you – or anyone else – as his equal. He pontificates like an evangelist around friends, but you’re not even worthy enough to speak to? Please.

In other words, it’s time to stop focusing on Curtis in terms of everything you’ve always wanted – and start thinking instead of everything you’ll get in a life shared with him.

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