Misadventures Down Under

How not to be foul about your girlfriend’s odor, and a recipe for turning wings into a hot pocket.

Q: I’m 27 and I have a problem. I haven’t told any of my friends about it because it just doesn’t seem appropriate, but I need some answers quickly. For about three months I’ve been seeing a girl, one that I really dig. More so than anyone I’ve met in a long time. We’ve gone slow, almost agonizingly so, with the physical stuff. (Which is fine and created some nice build-up.) But… I went down on her for the first couple of times recently and she smelled… not right. The first time I thought maybe she didn’t shower that day. The second time… well, it was worse.

Now I don’t know what to do. I feel like we have connected well emotionally but I have no idea how to bring this up. I don’t want to break up with this girl over this but I also don’t want to miss out on an exciting part of our sex life. Oh yeah, I don’t know if it matters, but we’re already exclusive. Any advice? – Downtown and Downtrodden

A: First, thanks for sharing. From the female perspective, it’s always lovely to hear about young bucks like yourself who believe c-lingus is good, squishy fun. That – and your considerate, mature attitude about a delicate dilemma – already have me feeling pretty good about the direction you’re headed, both figuratively and literally.

Telling a woman her lady bits aren’t up to sniff, er, snuff in the odor department is never an easy conversation, I’ll give you that. But there are a few things you can do to make it a little less agonizing. First, don’t break the news in bed; she’ll combust from embarrassment. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed (and maybe buzzed) and start by saying how much you like her and how happy she makes you. Then tell her that, as difficult it is to say, you’ve noticed an odor south of the border and you’re a little concerned. Say you want to make sure everything is ok with her health-wise. (A little Gynecology 101: A strong or unpleasant vaginal odor often means an infection, which is easily taken care of with a med that has a “zole” suffix. But without treatment, infections can lead to bigger problems, which is why she should get checked out.)

Of course, your gal may be in the fetal position from mortification by this point, which is when you reassure her that you love her body – all of it – and really want to share this intimacy with her. Give her a kiss, pour her another glass of vino and move on.

If that conversation seems too daunting, then go for a less direct approach. Suggest enough baths or showers together before sex, and there’s a good chance she’ll eventually ask you about it. You could also withhold the tongue lashings until she brings it up, but that’s a little on the dickish side.

Finally, it’s critical to remember that, like Baskin Robbins, women come in lots of tasty flavors – some of which you’ll find more appealing than others. If your gal is OK medically, then you’ll either have to live with her natural scent or keep coaxing her into those pre-nooky showers to enjoy the Big C. And while you’re at it, make sure you’re following suit with the hygiene, ummkay? There’s nothing worse than a guy complaining about his gal being not quite so fresh when his own twig and berries are muskier than an outback marsupial.

And remember that, sometimes, it’s the guys who need to scrub up before anybody goes down. Read on for a hilarious letter that serves as a seriously important PSA – Pubic Service Announcement.

Q: Not really a question but word of caution. I was at an all-day beerfest recently with my friends and girlfriend and decided after a ton of beers to challenge the cook at the bar we ended up at to bring me the hottest wings he could make. I would eat them all! [The waitress] brought them out and I jumped right in and finished them off. I was sweating and knew I was in for some trouble but I got them all down and was pretty proud of myself.

Back at our hotel my girlfriend and I started to get busy, and we got to the point where I went “downtown” and that’s where the trouble began. After about 30 seconds, she jumped off the bed like she was on fire and ran screaming for the shower. I ran after her and she just screamed “wing sauce” and pointed to the affected area. I guess that wet wipe at the bar didn’t quite get the wing sauce off my fingers and I forgot about the sauce that must have still been on my goatee! So after she washed off and calmed down we laughed about it, but be forewarned and don’t make the same mistake I did! — Wingman

A: I think my hoo-ha just scarred itself over imaging the pain, Wingman, but thanks for sharing. Guys, torching your gal’s vag with the remnants of hot wing sauce is NOT the way to make her scream in bed. So, if wings are for dinner and your girlfriend is for dessert, make sure you thoroughly wash up before getting down, lickety-split, to business.

2 Comments »

  1. The hot wings story is currently my favorite story to retell. Hilarious.

    Comment by Renee — June 14, 2010 @ 12:44 pm

  2. Thats really not normal though is this your first time you went down? I dont know what have you smelled from here and I dont even wanna know as well. But what I can tell you is to get drunk and I mean really really drunk and try to do it again then I guess that will be a temporary solution for the mean time you are looking for a way to tell her. Hope that helps.

    Comment by Levi — June 30, 2010 @ 11:43 am

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