One Seriously Hot Mess

Living with yourself after a stupid mistake, and living with a roommate who should be bunking up at the Bunny Ranch.

Q: I did something kind of stupid recently. I’m wondering if there’s any way that I can recover and save my relationship. About a month ago, my boyfriend and I decided we needed to break up. It was mutual, painful as it was. I went out one night with some girlfriends and I had A LOT of gin and tonics, and I met this guy. We danced and were kissing and flirting (that’s all). He asked me out for the next weekend. I was happy to have a distraction from the pain of the breakup, even though I still missed my boyfriend.


So, the date. This new guy turned out to be NOTHING like I thought (he was crazy weird) and during the night my boyfriend texted me that he missed me. While the new guy was in the men’s room, I texted back that I missed him too. Somehow that exchange made me very sad, so I ended up getting really drunk again with the new guy, and invited him back to my apartment. We were kissing on the couch when all of the sudden my phone rang – it was my ex downstairs wanting to come up! It was such a mess. The new guy left, my ex figured out that I wasn’t alone and left too, and omg, catastrophe. They may have even run into each other in the parking garage. Neither is speaking to me now. What can I do? – Heartbroken


A: First off, I must share that I’m writing this column sitting in the waiting area for a CVS Minute Clinic. More specifically, I’m crammed on the floor against a rack of greeting cards because there are only FIVE FREAKIN’ CHAIRS for patients during cold and flu season – only the busiest time of year — and three of those five are taken up by a magazine-reading mom and her two kids, one of whom obviously needs a refill for his Ritalin, because I can hear end cap displays tumbling down as I type, and the other of whom hasn’t been taught how to COVER HER MOUTH WHEN SHE COUGHS. And the friggin’ pharmacy phone is ringing off the hook. And everybody, including myself, is hacking like we’ve just been dusted with Agent Orange. And I just noticed that there’s an enticing display of walking canes within easy reach.


All of which is to say that if I’m even snarkier than normal this week – or if you see a report on the news about a seemingly normal young woman arrested for assault with a cane in a Minute Clinic waiting area – you’ll know why.


So, lookit, Heartbroken, I’m afraid the best I can offer you, since you’ve already tried to explain things to your ex-boyfriend (emphasis on EX), is to not answer the phone next time you’re sucking face late at night. That, and ease up on the G&Ts.


Q: I’ve been living with one of my closest girlfriends for several months now. We met four years ago and have been in the same social circles since. Living together has revealed some behaviors I don’t approve of. She frequently brings home men, which wouldn’t be a serious issue – except that they’re rarely single. She sometimes becomes invested in one guy and says he’s going to break up with his partner but it never pans out. It’s hard to be sympathetic to her constant complaints about being single when all she does is bring home men who are taken and probably bad news anyway. To top it all off, I know many of these men – and their girlfriends. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable and has shed light on a side of her that I dislike strongly. I care a lot about our friendship and I’m afraid her poor judgment is going to keep her unhappy, drama-ridden and single. How do I confront her? — Concerned Non-Prude


A: Close friends living together are like that poem about the little girl with the curl on her forehead: When it’s good, it’s very, very good, and when it’s bad, it’s horrid. Or  something. What I’m trying to say is that too bad you didn’t know the cardinal rule about roommates before bunking up with this girl: Close quarters can wreak havoc on even the closest of friendships.


But maybe you can use your history in your favor. Say you’re seriously concerned about seeing this behavior — that she deserves so much better than meaningless one-night stands with guys who don’t respect her. And I’d have to disagree that constantly hauling men home isn’t a serious issue. She’s obviously low on self-esteem, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she lets these guys get away with whatever they want between the sheets (i.e., not covering up their love stick).


If that conversation seems too difficult, then approach it from the roommate angle. You’re sharing an apartment, not a brothel, and you shouldn’t have to worry about a parade of dishonest dudes traipsing through your shared space at all hours. Whatever you do, I’d advise against signing another lease with her.


Meantime, you might want to consider extracting yourself from the social circles you and your randy roommie have been running around in. Even for a non-prude, they don’t exactly sound healthy.


  1. I can completely identify with the girl who keeps getting stuck with unavailable guys. I had the same problem a few years ago — I’d let a guy come home with me regardless of his status. I snapped out of it on my own, finally realizing I’d never find a boyfriend being so carelessly opportunistic. I didn’t have a close friend/roommate witnessing it all. Your friend does — so you should chance her getting mad at you for the sake of opening her eyes before she really gets stuck in this habit.

    Comment by Sarah C. — January 27, 2010 @ 12:46 pm

  2. I know the feeling but in a different way because I am a guy. And it ended up the same way. My problem was it was too early for me to date someone. We all know the rule and it should be 30 days. Great article! I am really into this topic.

    Comment by Jeff — June 30, 2010 @ 3:13 pm

  3. Telling her directly and telling her that you are willing to sacrifice everything just for her sake. If its worth the rish for her own good and if that will be only way then you should tell her honestly.thats should work!

    Comment by Aldrin — June 30, 2010 @ 4:18 pm

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