Ball Busting at its Best

How to deal with someone else’s happy endings, and why asserting your inner Guido won’t get you anywhere.

Q: Recently, at the gym, a guy mentioned he needed to see a massage therapist. Thinking of a friend who is a CMT, I recommended her. He immediately said, “Oh, yeah, I’ve been to her. She gives you a lot more than a massage.” Another guy piped in and agreed. I was shocked. I tried to verify that they were talking about the right woman. It seemed they were. I did not mention she is my friend. I’ve known her for more than 10 years. She’s married with kids and is absolutely one of the nicest people I know.


I’ve started avoiding those guys because we all know how men like to talk and maybe there was nothing to it, but unfortunately, I have also started avoiding my friend. When she pops out of her office slathering on Chapstick, I am thinking terrible things and it’s hard to face her. She wonders what’s wrong and I don’t want to tell her. This can’t go on. How can I clear the air? — M.


A: What can’t go on? Your friend possibly giving massages with happy endings, you keeping her in the dark that people are talking about her massages with happy endings or the awkwardness that’s resulting from it all?

Well, I’ve got news for you: It’s all sure to go on unless you either, ahem, swallow your judgmental feelings or spit them out and get everything on the (massage) table with your friend.

If it were me in your situation, how to clear the air would be obvious: Tell your friend – the one you’ve known for 10 YEARS – what you heard. Apologize for any awkwardness, but say that you felt she needed to know her professional reputation is being damaged. Tell her you’re sure the rumors about what (or who) is going down upon her table aren’t true, but that as her friend, you felt obligated to tell her what her clients are saying about her.

It’s up to her to figure out what to do from there: confront and/or fire the chatty clients, start focusing on reflexology or change workplaces. At the very least, maybe she’ll start being more discreet with the Chapstick.


Q: A few weeks ago I met this extremely attractive doctor through a friend of a friend. We had stimulating dinner discussion and she obviously knows her way around the anatomy. At first I wondered how she was unattached. At 29, I thought for sure, someone would have married this girl. I’ve never considered myself a brainiac type of person, but I know a few things about a few things. I don’t know if I’m being typical alpha male and trying to assert my dominance. But after about 3 weeks, I can’t seem to do anything without some sort of challenge to my authority from the good doctor.


I understand she’s had about 8 more years of education than me, but does she have to supply condescending running commentary about the way I load the dishwasher, or change the batteries on the remote? Am I sensitive of my relative lack of education, or is this hooker just showing her true know-it-all colors? I’m not even sure I want to have this conversation with her before her ass hits the curb. – Not So Hot For Doc


A: Listen, man, this chick isn’t criticizing the way you load the dishwasher or change the remote batteries because she’s an educated doctor – she’s doing it because she’s a woman. As a gender, we may be better at things like communication and picking out the perfect wrapping paper. But when it comes to nitpicking our partners, we clearly have some work to do.

I am kinda taken aback that she’s started up with the nag routine after just three weeks, though. You two should be so hot and heavy in the honeymoon phase that you could take a dump in the dishwasher and she’d barely notice, for God’s sake. So it’s understandable that you’re frustrated. And it’s safe to say her behavior will only get worse. Maybe now it’s easier to see why no one has put a ring on her finger – it never stops wagging.

Finally, she might be showing her true “know-it-all” colors, but I’d venture to say you’re offering a tiny peek at your misogynistic ones. You’re obviously defensive about all the ball-busting, but that “hooker” reference and talk of her ass hitting the curb kind of rub me the wrong way — and I’m just on the receiving end of this letter. Next time a gal strikes your fancy, stop focusing on “assert[ing] your dominance,” “authority” and knowing “a few things about a few things.” Thanks in part to “The Jersey Shore” and its testosterone tsunami, that whole alpha male vibe is more washed up than ever.




  1. The line about taking a dump in the dishwasher… Laughed out loud at work, thanks Blane!

    Comment by Brett — January 27, 2010 @ 1:05 pm

  2. Ummm…. you got the contact info for that Massage girl? (j/k). Awesome Articles as always.

    Comment by Neal — January 28, 2010 @ 3:44 pm

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