Is My Girlfriend Sleeping With Her Boss? And Crazy Tattoos

A guy who’s worried his girlfriend is sleeping with her boss, and what to do with a crazy tattoo.

Q: Where does the love go? I have been dating the same girl for 4 years and we had spoken about getting married, but now she is about to graduate from college and I still have two years left. She is really smart and finished high school and college early, so she is now working for a large software company as an intern and she seems to be drifting away from me. She only talks about her work and all the guys she works with, and she talks about her boss like he is the most amazing person on earth and I think there may be something going on between them, or am I being paranoid? I feel like she has stepped into another phase of her life and left me behind. I am thinking I should propose to her and make it official, but I don’t want to seem like it’s an act of desperation. What should I do? – Sad Dawg

A: 1) For God’s sake, just break up with her already. You’ve laid out the reasons yourself: She’s entering a new phase of her life, ramping up her career and meeting lots of new people, including her boss (even though I doubt she’s sleeping with  him). Initiating the breakup yourself serves two purposes: preserving your dignity and helping you gain some sense of control over this situation, which is headed nowhere fast. Make like Elin Nordegren and get the hell out, but before a golf club gets wrapped around anyone’s head.

2) Forget about getting married – AT ALL – until you’re out of college and have had a chance to do what your soon-to-be-ex is doing; i.e., experience the giddy joys of making it on your own in the real world. There’s something so deliriously ego-boosting about that time in your life: no more busting your hump over semester exams or getting up at the buttcrack of dawn for class, launching a career and making your own money (albeit often not much of it, at least initially). Trust me, when you get there, you’re not gonna want to be tied down to someone in college, either.

3) Until then, enjoy the kegs and co-eds. Ease the sting of the breakup by remembering that college is the only time you can get away with having beer for breakfast and more one-night stands than you can count. Take the money you’d have spent on a ring and throw a pity party for yourself, and I bet you’ll have a passel of horny gals drying your tears with their panties.

Q: This might be one of the weirdest situations I’ve ever come across in my dating life, and I’d love to hear what you think about it. The boy I’ve been casually dating for a few weeks and I finally got down and dirty last weekend. And (I’m actually laughing as I type this) he’s got this crazy tattoo on his lower hip, which you can’t see unless he’s naked, and it reads “you wanna piece of this?” with an arrow that points to his you-know-what. When I first saw it, I started cracking up, and I think he was kind of hurt. But what was I supposed to do? He finally started laughing a little too and explained to me that he got it on a drunken dare about five years ago. I really like this boy, but I’m afraid that every time we have sex I won’t be able to stop laughing over his tat. What can I do? I don’t want to hurt his feelings. – Tattoo LOL

A: I have to thank a pack of obnoxious little rugrats screaming at the top of their lungs for more Christmas cupcakes in the coffeeshop where I’m working right now for diverting attention from myself as I read your letter. Otherwise, I would have created quite the stir when I snorted orange spice tea out of my nose. Indeed, what the hell were you supposed to do when you first saw it? Try to disguise your laughter into gasps over the size of his unit? I think not.

I wouldn’t worry too much over this, though. It’s only natural that a guy would freak out if a woman busts a gut laughing the first time he strips in front of her — even if the source of her humor isn’t his package but the bizarre below-the-belt ink advertising it. After the novelty of the tattoo wears off, I’ll bet your tendency to burst into laughter does too. And if it doesn’t, assure him in your sultriest bedroom voice that you want more than just a piece of that – you want the whole HUUUUGGEEEEE thing.

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