Just Banging My Head Against the Keyboard

I hate to say it, but I’m gonna have to (almost) quote from Greg Behrendt’s book and say … um … he’s just not that, well, you know.

Q: I met a guy about a year ago, had semi-serious relationship. He began to withdraw, said he didn’t know what he wanted, he then began, I think, seeing someone else, but always kept in touch via text messages, phone calls, and e-mails. I am still really into this guy and he still calls and texts. Is he keeping me as his “go to” girl? Or exactly why doesn’t he just go away and have his “fun” which is what he wants? I am so confused and still very much hung up on him. — Hopeless


A: Uyh faja; fa;a.wua pja aowu AJA;L ASA0JK fjsd MK,DKU.

Sorry. That was just my head banging against the keyboard.


There are two reasons I get so riled up over letters like this: 1) They’re frustrating as hell; and 2) they’re a reminder that Greg Behrendt totally beat me to the punch on monetizing the whole “he’s just not that into you” schtick. I’ll never forget my personal introduction to that sobering – but liberating – reality, courtesy of a guy I lusted over in high school. This dude, who was well aware that my loins simultaneously combusted every time he was near, told me, “If a guy likes a girl, he’ll ask a girl out.” And since his subsequent actions certainly did not involve him asking me out, mind you, I had my answer – as well as a dating mantra to live by ever since.


Let’s recap: If a guy wants to see you, he’ll find a way to see you. If his only contact with you consists of phone calls, e-mails and texts, he doesn’t want to see you. If he tells you he doesn’t know what he wants, he does know he doesn’t want you.


I don’t understand what there is to be so confused about, I’m sorry to say. This guy is both keeping you as his go-to girl and having his fun — with you as his doormat. If you still don’t get it, go ahead and [teeth gritted] pick up Behrendt’s book; the damn thing is probably still on the New York Times bestseller list.


Q: My girlfriend is living in Italy for an extended work project. After two years together, neither of us is really sure about our future at this point. There are still strong feelings between us though. Several weeks ago I met a girl at a work happy hour. She was a friend of a friend from work. She rocked my world so I asked for her phone number. We’ve hung out a few times but she knows I have a long-distance girlfriend and doesn’t want to get into anything serious in that situation.


Is there a problem trying her on for size for the time being, since my girlfriend is so far away anyway? I’m dying to have sex but I know this girl has potential for much more than that. Would it be cheating really? How should I handle this? I really like this new girl but I know I still love my girlfriend, too. – American Girl Has Got Me Giddy


You won’t get a hall pass from me for cheating – because yes, it would be cheating, really. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t matter if you and your girlfriend are in two different countries or mental wards — when you’re in an exclusive relationship and you become physically (or, in some cases, emotionally) intimate with someone else, it’s cheating. And in all but a few rare situations, it’s disrespectful, hurtful and just plain yucky. Unfortunately, because of all that damn distance in an LDR – long-distance relationship – cheating becomes a lot easier to justify.


But why cheat when you can just 1) talk to your girlfriend about the possibility of seeing other people, or 2) end it with her anyway? If she’s off to Italy for extended work and neither of you is sure about your future, I’d say there’s a good chance she’s got her eye on some delicious Italian stud named Giuseppe anyway. And there’s still the possibility that when she gets back you two can re-evaluate – or reunite for good.


Meanwhile, good on this new girl for putting on the brakes until you figure out your situation. But I gotta say that something about that whole “trying her on for size” remark of yours just didn’t sit well with me. I really hope you’re not just thinking about using her for sex (unless that’s cool with her, too). But if you are, then I hope your girlfriend is already boinking Giuseppe.

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