It's Just Too Much!

Whether it’s overbearing parents or an oversized penis, a gal can only handle so much.

Q: My boyfriend of six months, whom I really like and want to build a future with, have a stumbling block: his penis. Not that it’s too small, just the opposite: it’s too big. I did not have sex with him until four months into dating. The first time was pure torture. And it has not been better. I’ve talked to a few friends, one recommended that I drink to loosen up, that did not work. Another suggested lots of lube, that worked but I still feel pressure and pain. Please, any suggestions. – He’s Just Too Big

 

A: Why don’t you make like Michelle Duggar and squeeze out a bambino or 19? That oughta loosen things up a bit.

 

Kidding, of course – I’m trying to get you to loosen up a bit. That’s perhaps the most important thing you can do here. You see, when we anticipate discomfort, our bodies automatically tense up – vag muscles included. It’s an involuntary reaction, so you and your guy need to go overboard making sure you’re as relaxed as possible – mentally and physically — before the big moment. Have him give you a massage to get things warmed up, and make sure he doesn’t scrimp on the foreplay. And keep the lube a’flowin’. Go for water- or silicone-based; both can be used with condoms, and the silicone stuff is super-slick and smooth and lasts a long time.

 

As far as positions go, focus on ones that limit his thrusting capability. That means forgoing doggy style and any legs-over-the-shoulder acrobatics for now, and getting on top yourself so you can control the depth and speed of his supersized schlong. Missionary works too; just keep your thighs as close together as possible.

 

I’m also all for using wine, weed or whatever else it takes until you two figure out what works. And the fact that you waited a while before giving it up, and that he stuck around until then, bodes well for your future. Finally, remember that good sex goes way beyond penetration.

 

Q: I’m practically engaged to my boyfriend – we’ve shared a solid four years, enjoy each other’s company immensely and are always honest and passionate. I realize how lucky I am, but there’s a fly in the ointment, which is rapidly becoming a big problem as we contemplate “forever” together. His entire family lives far out-of-state, and I am frequently asked (required?) to accompany him on trips to visit them – at least twice a year, plus at least one extended holiday visit.

 

I’m a hardworking gal, and I resent the hijacking of my vacation time, particularly because these trips mean 12-14 nonstop hours of “family time” every single day. I start to break down after being in forced company with people I’m not genuinely close to and am expected to have a family-type relationship with. I’m told I’m acting like a “princess” if I suggest a hotel room instead of staying with family, which means sharing a bathroom with his mom, dad, brother or sister. In fact, I don’t really get a say in anything on these famfests – the “group” generally decides when we’re meeting for breakfast, what we’re doing all day, etc. When they visit us, it’s the same deal.

 

My boyfriend picks up on my stress during the trips, and takes it to mean I don’t like his family – which isn’t necessarily true. Marathon sessions with my own family would drive me nuts. Am I being a princess? Is this the price to pay for an otherwise solid relationship? How can I gently refuse a trip, without risking a fight? — Famfested Out

 

A: First of all, I’ve got some news for you: You’ll certainly be expected to have a “family-type relationship” with these people if you two get married. Annoying in-laws are, unfortunately, often a rite of matrimonial passage. Second, after four years of these famfests, you’re just now starting to rebel?

 

I don’t think you’re being a princess, but I do think it’s time to put on your big-girl panties. Yes, you’re expected to spend time with your boyfriend’s family. But if you’re as desperate for me-time as you say (and believe me, I understand), it’s on you to take it. Go for a very long walk. See a movie you know nobody else wants to. And try to look at it this way: At least he has a family that he enjoys spending time with.

 

You’re also way overdue for a conversation with your man about family time and boundaries. Explain to him what you’ve told me: that not wanting to be joined at the hip to his family 24/7 doesn’t mean you don’t like them. That you work hard and need vacations with just the two of you or girlfriends sometimes. Yeah, there might be a fight about it, but I’d say your sanity is worth fighting for.

 

The sooner this conversation, the better. The holiday season is right around the corner, and I promise you, you’ll be seeing more of these folks than you can imagine if wedding planning and kids are on the horizon.

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