Checked Out

So, you think you caught a chick checking out your package … so the hell what?

Q: So, when I went for a run the other day, I think that I caught a girl checking out my Package. I just ran past her and when I looked up for a sec I caught her staring at my crotch area. My shorts were not my little running shorts but the longer ones so I wasn’t busting out of them or anything like that. She was cute but not hot, and I did feel a little like a piece of meat. But then afterwards I thought that hey, we do it almost instinctively, so why would women not do it? We all know us guys get accused of leering at girls, but this made me wonder if all girls do it also, and they are just more discreet. So my question is do girls do this and if so do they talk about it like we do? – Long Runner


A: So you felt like a piece of meat, huh? ‘Cuz some chick was scoping your sausage? Staring at your salami? Drooling over your dong? Get over it, bub. Women have been subject to this kind of behavior since Adam caught sight of Eve’s bare boob, so no sympathy here on that. It’s not like this girl fondled the goods while you ran past.


Yes, I’d say you have firsthand evidence that – GASP! — girls do engage in below-the-belt ogling. This one notwithstanding, you’re also right that we’re generally discreet. And you’re damn straight we talk about the equipment.


But not in the way you and your buds grunt to each other over a nice set of knockers. That’s because: 1) unless your wardrobe rivals that of Billy Blanks for Spandex content, your stuff doesn’t as easily catch the eye as a pair of breasts tends to; and 2) while we’re in public, most women wouldn’t be wondering aloud whether some dude stuffed a Kielbasa down his pants. Instead, we tend to admire the whole package – as in, “That guy is really hot.” (Though I will say a nice tight butt can often elicit a remark, too.) When we’re with close girlfriends (usually drunk), that’s when we dig into details over length, girth, texture and technique.


And, judging by the fact that you sent in this question, dubbed yourself the Long Runner and actually capitalized the reference to your package, I’ll go ahead and offer up the ego stroke you’re clearly after, Big Guy, and tell you to please, please be careful the next time you go for a run. You don’t want to trip over that thing.


Q: I had been seeing a guy on and off for the last EIGHT YEARS. Yes, that’s right. Eight. I would get tired of him for various reasons, such as his extreme self-centeredness, and move on for a while, maybe date someone else, but when he called I would always go back. About two weeks ago, he gave me an STD. We had been seeing each other again since April, and had discussed mutual exclusivity. SO, the liar did what liars always do, and lied. Apparently he was seeing someone else and she must be marvelous since she gave us scabies. Now, this is my first STD, and I don’t want to repeat the experience, so I have a resolve against seeing him that I never have had before. He might even actually be scared of me now, I pitched such a fit. My question for you: WHY did I let myself do this over and over again? – Bugged


A: I guess you could call this an eight-year itch, huh? I have no idea why it took contracting scabies for you to wise up. It’s a damn shame, though I suppose you should count your blessings that you didn’t catch something more severe.


And since it’s been a while since I delivered a PSA (Pubic Service Announcement), let’s do one on scabies. This itchy skin condition, caused by tiny mites that burrow into the outer layers of the skin, is not so much a sexually transmitted disease as a socially transmitted one. In fact, according to a dermatologist I consulted, it’s more commonly spread via infected clothing or sleeping in a contaminated bed than through sexual contact (although you can certainly get it that way). This means there’s a good chance this guy could have picked up the little buggers in ways other than sleeping with someone else (though don’t even think about using that as an excuse to keep seeing him). I hope you’ve gotten treatment by now so that you’re not spreading it yourself (treatment usually involves a topical lotion).


But the truly problematic mite in this whole dilemma is the two-legged one you let get under your skin eight years ago. This is not about resolve – it’s about self-respect. You know he’ll call you again, and that will be the real test of whether you can get rid of him for good. My fingers are crossed.






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