The Real Rub

In love with your massage therapist? Really? And giving lip service to a gal who’s not very good at … giving lip service, ifyaknowwhaddimean.

 Q: I think I’m in love with my massage therapist. I’ve been going to him for about a year now, about once or twice a month. I’d go every week if I could afford it! He’s so incredibly dreamy with the strongest, manliest hands I’ve ever seen, yet they have such a sensual touch. It seems that his massages have gotten a little more intimate since I’ve been going to him. You know, higher up on my thighs, more intense. Once his fingers crept almost to the side of my boobs when I was on my stomach. Then again, this could be my hopeful imagination at work. He has never made any mention of interest in me and kept our conversations strictly professional.

I would like to ask him out or something but I’m so nervous about it. What’s the protocol here? Would he get fired? This is a pretty popular, well respected spa here in town. Or should I just forget it? – Nice and Relaxed

A: Let’s get one thing straight right now – you’re not in love with your massage therapist, you’re in lust with him. Just like plenty of other gals — and probably some dudes too – whom his manly hands have oiled up into a writhing, moaning mass on the table. And yeah, your horned-up imagination has probably misinterpreted his actions as passes.

With that in mind, your questions. 1) Protocol for a spa that doesn’t advertise with interstate billboards or flashing neon signage on its facade doesn’t include happy endings, if that’s the “or something” you’re referring to. Protocol for client/employee relationships varies but is generally frowned upon by most employers, especially those in the personal service industry; see No. 2.

2) If he actually did come through with the “or something” and his supervisor caught wind of it, you can bet your bathrobe he’d be canned on the spot. If you’re asking whether he’d be fired for dating a customer, most higher-end spas prohibit their employees from doing so. In some cases, it’s possible for therapists to date former clients, but industry insiders tell me it’s generally not accepted – and rare.

3) I think so. Why risk such a delicious indulgence on the unlikely chance that he’ll reciprocate your feelings? Spare yourself the embarrassment and awkwardness, keep getting massages and keep enjoying them (and fantasize all you want about his manly hands in places underneath the towel). And send me the name of that spa, will you, pretty please? 

Q: I have met a great girl. I love just about everything about her but one big thing, she really stumbles through the let’s say oral pleasuring. I can tell that she feels uncomfortable about doing it and she has horrific technique. She just flat out doesn’t know how to handle the equipment and a few times I even got the teeth scraping, which is pretty scary for me. I don’t know how a woman can be 30 years old and not have any idea on how to do this. My buddies say I should just tell her and tell her how she can do it better, but I think she will be so embarrassed that it could end up going very badly. So, I am stuck. What should I do? – John Doe

A: It really sucks when she sucks at sucking, huh? Your buddies are right – you have to speak up. You’re right, too – she’ll probably be a tad embarrassed. But she’ll be much more so if you let this slide any longer than it already has. And what’s more uncomfortable – an adult conversation about likes and dislikes, or your johnson feeling like it’s been attacked by a cheese grater yet again? Here’s how to do this with minimal damage – to her ego, and to your unit.

Bad approach [as she’s already working her (black) magic]: “Holy CRAP, woman! WATCH THE TEETH! It’s not an EFFING CORNCOB, for God’s sake!”

Good approach [as she’s starting to move southward]: “Oh my God, I’m so lucky you do this for me … Mmm … You know what makes me so crazy? When you use your hands and [insert other preferences here].” If the choppers make an appearance, don’t hold back on wincing or reacting normally – (just don’t go overboard). She’ll definitely pick up on it and will likely open the door to a conversation by asking “What’s wrong?” or “Did I hurt you?” When she does get something right, reinforce it, either with words or moans. And if it’s that bad (and there are plenty of guys who say a bad BJ is an oxymoron), try redirecting the action; she’ll eventually get the hint and – hopefully – will ask you about it. And if none of this works, well, looks like you’ll just have to suck it up.

One last thing, guys: Plenty of less-than-stellar BJs are preceded by one of those insulting head-push-down manuevers. So enough already with behavior that makes you look like a blue-balled frat boy, ok? 

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