All Choked Up

Guys, when we ladies say we want you to take our breath away, this certainly isn’t what we mean.

Q: I have been on the single scene for about 10 years and am rather experienced – not a slut, just experienced. One thing I have noticed in my last three bed buddies is that they’re into putting their hands around my neck, choking, asphyxiation . . . what is up with that?.

I don’t howl too much in the sack and I’m not into conversating when my knees are behind my head, so I don’t get it and didn’t ask for it. The only similarity these guys share are their age, all in early 40′s. One of the guys is actually someone I’ve been fornicating with off and on over the past 20 years and he has NEVER done this before until now. Is this a new trend or did these fools read about this fetish in a recent issue of Maxim or BOOBS? – Choked Up in Cowtown

A: Yeah, hanky-panky has certainly spiraled into darker places these days – spanky-panky, you could call it. As is so often the case, the media is largely to blame – along with our society’s increasing appetite for (and acceptance of) kinkiness. Flood the public with stories about “Kung Fu” star David Carradine dying as the result of auto-erotic asphyxiation (self-applied oxygen deprivation for a sexual high, also known as AEA) gone wrong (INXS frontman Michael Hutchence reportedly also suffered the same fate), along with the Oprah-incited hysteria over the “Choking Game” in adolescent circles, and what follows is a freshly aroused batch of burgeoning kinksters who wonder what all the hype is about and soon start experimenting with oxygen deprival, both alone and with partners.

Problem is, the bozos you’ve been bonking are bringing you into this dangerous practice without your consent. And I can’t think of a place where consent is more critical than the bedroom. Especially since we’re not talking about some light bondage here – we’re talking about something that could kill you. “It can be manslaughter,” points out my trusty go-to psychotherapist, New York-based Jonathan Alpert. “What starts out as a kinky sex act between two people can result in death.”

Although he doesn’t have an exact figure on the numbers, Alpert says he is hearing more about this topic among clients – who sometimes come into his office with bruised, scratched necks. The difference, however, between Alperts’ clients and your situation is that they’re involved in relationships. Says Alpert: “People who do it regularly and are OK with it discuss it ahead of time, so it’s not a surprise. There’s a conversation about it.”

But seeing as this keeps happening – and these idiot guys aren’t taking on the responsibility for themselves — it’s high time you speak up, if for nothing else than your own safety. Sure, a conversation with a first-time partner about choking – and your distaste for it – might not be the most comfortable thing in the world. But neither is the prospect of his hands unexpectedly around your neck, cutting off your oxygen supply, is it? IF (and I’m not in any way encouraging or endorsing this) you decide you want to partake, make sure you come up with a safety word or physical cue that ends the session or activity, no questions asked.

Finally, in typical therapist fashion, Alpert suggest you look a little deeper into the issue. “Where is she meeting these people?” he wonders. “Is she going to crazy kinky bars, or websites that attract these types? You do have a choice and a say in the type of guys you sleep with.”

My sentiments exactly. You don’t have to indulge in this – or anything else – act that makes you uncomfortable just in order to get laid. There are plenty of other guys out there who’ll no doubt be left breathless by your Shawn Johnson-esque moves in the sack (just please promise me you won’t ever use the word “fornicating,” or any form of it, if you offer up a proposition).

Q: Please help me. My girlfriend is way more experienced than I am in the sexual sense. We’ve been together for about 7 months (I’m 21, she’s 24) and she’s a fantastic person. The longer we’re together the more I want to know about her past (sexually speaking). Specifically, the number of men she’s had sexual relations with. But I don’t want to lose her over this, and I fear that if I do ask her to disclose that number it will be the end of the special thing that we have. What should I do? — Super-Confused

It’s not about what you should do but what you definitely, absolutely, positively, totally, shouldn’t: 1) Ask her how many guys she’s slept with, dumbass; 2) Whimper and whine that you feel inferior to her sexual prowess; 3) Ever again refer to your physical relationship – or that of anyone else — as “sexual relations” (or fornicating, in case you didn’t see my other warning above). Bill Clinton brought an ick factor to that phrase that will never fade.

I mean, good grief! You’ve got a great thing going here – please don’t screw it up. Screw her, instead, and learn everything you can in the process so you can get over these insecurities.

1 Comment »

  1. Yeah! thats all i can say because I do the same thing and if you will ask me as well why then my answer will be I am so into it so I sometimes thought of something bad and I want to play the bad person so Its like a challenging part.

    A million thanks to this site for giving us great articles.

    Comment by Nathan — June 30, 2010 @ 4:27 pm

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