Flights of Fantasy

Bringing out your partner’s innermost desires.

Q: My wife and I have been happily married for six years. We’ve always had a stable sex life, even after we got married (which, as I understand from some of my other married buddies, is a very good thing and I’m quite thankful for it). Lately, I’ve had more sex fantasies than usual.

Most are tepid, but others are a little kinkier. I don’t necessarily want to act all of them out, but I would like to open the table for discussion about them. I think it would add a new edge of excitement to our lovemaking. But she says she really doesn’t have any fantasies of her own! I feel weird telling her about mine without her reciprocating. I’ve begged her to open up, but she just doesn’t seem to have an interest. Can I fix this?—Fantasied and Frustrated

A: Unless your wife adores Julie Andrews musicals and Laura Ashley quilts, for chrissakes don’t ever use the word “lovemaking” in this discussion. Blech. If that’s the way you’ve tried to approach it in the past—“Honey, can we talk about our lovemaking?”—I don’t blame her for tuning out. (Hell, I wouldn’t blame her for vomiting.) Banish the term, and I’ll bet you start seeing improvement right away.

First, think about your timing and delivery. Are you blathering on about what you’d like to do to her that night while she’s running around in the morning like a madwoman getting ready for work? Or are you setting the mood for a back-and-forth conversation over a candlelit dinner or a tender foot massage?

In other words, it’s time to stop “begging” and start seducing. Don’t underestimate the power of romancing your wife like you (hopefully) used to in the honeymoon stage. You just might find that rediscovering that old spark will help her open up to new intimacies.

Next, make like Nike and just do it—unless goats or ball-gags are involved (which you’d damn well better get consent on first). There’s nothing hotter than a man who takes the reins in the sack, so rev up the foreplay and give her a hot, whispered play-by-play on what you’re about to do—or what you’d like her to—and I bet you can start checking off your list tonight. 

Finally, not to get too psychobabbly, but remember that this is all about building trust. Once your wife sees that she’s not going to be judged for opening up—or for not even having fantasies (which is entirely possible)—she just might be ready for that Naughty Nurse costume sooner than you think.

No Comments »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment